My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
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Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.