Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
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“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.