If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
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Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.