Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
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alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
My work here is done
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*