It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
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Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
I support this random dude and all his protests
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog