Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
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to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart