Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
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There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
yea so i messed up lol
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese