If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
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I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
*seductively corrects your posture*
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires