Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
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According to math, I’m broke
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Mistakes were made
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
6: are snakes just neck?
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no