Hard not to take this personally
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me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive