Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
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Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Worth a try
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?