Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.