Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
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Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My plans: 2020:
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
My work here is don’t.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.