Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.