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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.