Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
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My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.