Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
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(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?