I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.