God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?