Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
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Bruh PLEASE
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
*cough*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I’m not stressed
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?