I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
You Might Also Like
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.