*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
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Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Time for evil
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.