My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
same bro
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.