All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
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Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
let’s discuss
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit