*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
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Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.