Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
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WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Goat cheese is for herders.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
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When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA