can’t talk my ride’s here
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I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot