” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot