[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.