Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
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Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.