What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
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Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Bit chilly again tonight.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.