Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
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Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories