If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
You Might Also Like
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans