If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
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[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it