Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
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Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
When life hands you women, make women laid.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.