what the
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WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet