What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
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No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
This could’ve been an email.