Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
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The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions