Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
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Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.