me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
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I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I cannot stop laughing at this
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.