8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
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Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Growing up was a huge mistake
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.