were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
This is why you don鈥檛 eat at everybody house
I like donuts.
Twitter:
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 馃ぃ
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it鈥檚 sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
馃幎I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair馃幎
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can鈥檛 wear a blanket to work
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me: