Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
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Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.