i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
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I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Muppet Screams
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy