I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
The Birdles
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave