Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?