never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
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You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
How dude HOW?!
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep