Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
We like the way Dwight thinks
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I saw this ending much differently.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.