“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
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“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Self-cleaning conscience
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”