Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
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Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times